LemonOrangeBanana
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Matilda and the Pilgrindians
Matilda woke up one gloomy Monday morning and looked out at
the sky. The gray clouds made her
sad. Then, suddenly, it began to
rain and Matilda was thrilled. She
jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, rushing past her little brother Lance.
Lance saw the happy look on Matilda’s face and he was just
disgusted. “It’s raining. What are you so happy about?” he
asked. Matilda smiled at him as
she answered, “We get to do crafts on rain day!”
Matilda was cheerful while she ate her breakfast and it was
driving Lance nuts. He wanted to
eat his breakfast in peace, but Matilda was singing between bites of egg. It was some stupid song about rainy day
crafts. That was it. He couldn’t take it another
minute. Lance snapped. “Shut up, already!” he yelled.
Matilda stared at Lance in shock. Lance looked a bit shocked himself. The silence was broken by the soft
crinkle of the newspaper as Mom lowered it to look across the table at her
son. Lance knew from the look on
her face he was in deep trouble but he was still mad. “I don’t get to do crafts on rain day,” he said, “How come I
have to listen to her brag about it?”
Mom peeped over her reading glasses at him. She liked to do that now that she had
reading glasses. It made her look
extra wise. “Lance, I don’t think
your sister was bragging. She was
just looking forward to doing something special. I’m sure there are things you get to do today that she’ll
miss out on.”
Lance was skeptical.
“Like what?” he challenged.
Mom picked up her newspaper as she smiled at her son. “You have all day to figure that out.”
She did it again.
Mom always knew how to stump Lance. He looked at Matilda and he didn’t feel so angry any
more. “I’m sorry, Matilda.” Matilda smiled back at him and said,
“Thanks.”
In the car, on the way to school, Matilda taught Lance her
rainy day craft song. She was
still singing it when they dropped her off. “Well, have fun at pre-school, Lance. I’ll make you something nice for crafts
day!” Matilda beamed.
Matilda got out and walked to the front door of her
school. She didn’t rush because
she liked the sound of the rain on the hood of her rain jacket. Smack-pack-pack. Picketty-smack-plock.
When Matilda got inside, she went to line up with the other
first graders. Kindergarten was
fun, but she knew so much more now than she did before. She smiled wistfully at the
kindergarten kids in the next line as she thought about all the stuff she knew
now that she was in first grade.
This was going to be their first rainy day crafts day and she was very
excited for them.
Before she had any more time to reminisce about the good old
days, Matilda’s teacher, Mrs. Bixby appeared to lead the first graders to their
classroom. Matilda followed along
cheerfully. She put her lunch box
in her cubicle and hung her wet coat up on her hook.
The desks were all arranged in clusters of four so kids
could work together. Matilda liked
this configuration because it reminded her of flowers. Matilda always thought it must look
pretty to a fly hanging on the ceiling.
She went to her desk and sat down.
She looked to her left where Jason Warner was sitting. “Hi, Jason Warner,” she said.
“Hi,” he said.
Jason Warner was always a boy of few words. Matilda appreciated that about him. When he did say something, people
always paid attention since it didn’t happen all the time.
Matilda looked to her right where Freedom was sitting. “Hi, Freedom,” she said.
“Hey, Matilda.
I’m glad you got here safe through all that rain. Wet roads can be treacherous,” he
said. Matilda had long since
become accustomed to Freedom’s sense of drama. No event was too small and danger lurked everywhere. Matilda never worried about anything
when he was around. She knew if
anything was not right, he’d spot it right away.
Matilda couldn’t wait to start her rainy day crafts. She got out her pack of crayons and
extra paper so she would be ready for anything.
It seemed like Matilda was the only one who knew what was in
store for them today because no one else had their crayons out. She looked to her left. Jason Warner didn’t have his crayons
out. Then she looked to her right. Freedom didn’t have his crayons out. The desk across from her was
empty. George Foreman No Relation
used to sit there but his family moved away and the desk had been empty ever
since. They had known each other
since kindergarten and they all missed him very much.
Nope. No one
else seemed ready for crafts. Matilda
raised her hand so she could share her observation with everyone. Mrs. Bixby didn’t allow anyone to share
unless they raised their hand first.
“Mrs. Bixby!
Mrs. Bixby!” Matilda waved
her arm frantically but Mrs. Bixby didn’t call on her. Instead, there was a knock at the door
and in came the school’s principal, Mrs. Harrington. Mrs. Bixby and Mrs. Harrington had one of those quiet
conversations grown-ups like to have from time to time.
Jason Warner leaned over and whispered to Matilda, “Why do
you think Mrs. Harrington is talking to Mrs. Bixby?” Freedom leaned over and chimed in, “Whatever it is, it can’t
be good. When grown-ups whisper
like that, it usually means they’re up to something.”
Matilda nodded in agreement. This is certainly true at her house. Ever since she started learning to
read, she noticed Mom and Dad stopped spelling out loud. Now, they just whisper.
Matilda got out one of her crayons and held it over the
paper, committed to intense listening.
If Mrs. Bixby and Mrs. Harrington were going to try spelling words, Matilda
would be ready for them. They could
use phonics to sound out the message after she wrote all the letters down on
her paper.
Mrs. Harrington opened the door to the classroom and someone
new came into the room. A girl. A new girl. Mrs. Bixby reached out and shook the girl’s hand. “I’m Mrs. Bixby and this is my first
grade class. Everyone, welcome our
new student, Sasha Myers to Taft elementary.”
“Welcome, Sasha!” yelled everybody.
“She’s probably going to sit with us,” whispered Matilda.
“They’re trying to make us forget George Foreman No
Relation,” hissed Freedom.
“They just want to make us do what they want us to do.”
“We already do what they want us to do,” said Jason
Warner. He was right, as usual. Mrs. Bixby pointed in their
direction. “Why don’t you take
that empty seat over there, Sasha?
Everyone get your readers out.”
The trio quieted down as Sasha Myer New Girl approached and
sat at George Foreman No Relation’s old desk. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” they said back.
“We only have three readers.” Again, Jason Warner was right.
Freedom freaked out, “What are we going to do?! We don’t have enough readers!”
“Maybe we can share,” Matilda suggested, “Jason Warner can
share with Sasha and I can share with you. That way we’re all sharing and everything is equal-schmequal. Look at everyone else. We’re the only ones who get to share.”
Matilda looked to her left and Jason Warner nodded in
agreement. Matilda looked to her
right and Freedom shook his head yes.
They all looked at Sasha.
Sasha realized pretty quickly that these were some goofy people. She liked them immediately. A smile creeped across her face and she
said, “I like it.”
“Turn to chapter three,” said Mrs. Bixby. Matilda looked at her crayons but
reading sounded like that would be fun, too. She turned to chapter three and leaned to her right so she
and Freedom could share. The title
of chapter three was ‘Pilgrims and Indians.’
“Pilgrims make me hungry,” said Freedom.
“Yes. They make
me think of Thanksgiving,” Matilda agreed.
“Turkey is my favorite,” said Sasha.
“I like stuffing best,” said Jason Warner.
Sasha, Freedom and Matilda all said, “MMMmmmm!!”
Mrs. Bixby smiled to herself. She heard Matilda, Jason Warner, Freedom and Sasha talking
about pilgrims, turkey and stuffing.
It made her feel good that her students were being so nice to someone
new.
Mrs. Bixby could remember how hard it was for her on her
first day at a new school. It was
scary, but her first new school friend was Karen Wilbert. Karen Wilbert made her feel right at
home. ‘Sasha’s lucky,’ Mrs. Bixby
thought, ‘she’s got four new friends.’
After turning to chapter three in her teacher’s reader, Mrs.
Bixby began the reading lesson.
Mrs. Bixby was a good reader and everyone liked the sound of her
voice. Of all the teachers they
ever had, she was the best. She
even did the voices of all the people in whatever story she shared with
class. It was easy to pay
attention when Mrs. Bixby read out loud.
She read to them about how hard the journey was for the
pilgrims as they crossed the Atlantic Ocean. Mrs. Bixby pulled down a map of the world and showed them
all where to find the Atlantic Ocean.
“Who wants to help me get the Pilgrims across the Atlantic
Ocean?” Mrs. Bixby asked and
everyone raised their hands. She
scanned all the faces and settled on someone, “Anjelica, can you help the
Pilgrims with their boat?”
Anjelica Munoz stepped up to the front of the room and
accepted the plastic ship Mrs. Bixby got from the shelf where she kept things
like that.
“Okay, Anjelica.
You start here in Plymouth, England,” and she pointed to the map, “And
you need to get the Pilgrims over here to Plymouth, Rhode Island.” Mrs. Bixby pointed to the other side of
the Atlantic Ocean.
Mrs. Bixby turned to the class and said, “You guys have to
help me make the sounds of the ocean.
Ready? WHOOSH! SWISH!”
Everyone joined in making ocean noises. Matilda thought her group made the best
ocean noises. Of course, they had
the benefit of an expert to help them.
Jason Warner was really good at it since his family went to the beach
for a week every summer.
Freedom, Jason Warner, Matilda and Sasha all gave it their
all. So did all their classmates
and being an ocean turned out to be hard work. Mrs. Bixby cheered everyone on. If Anjelica was sailing too fast, Mrs. Bixby told everyone
to blow hard and make it hard for the Pilgrims.
When the class made it sound like the wind was blowing very
hard, Anjelica made the boat look like it was going off course or fighting the
strong gusts. Mrs. Bixby even blew
in her face. This made everyone
laugh, but Anjelica laughed the most.
By the time Anjelica got the ship to the other side of the
Atlantic Ocean, everyone was exhausted from whooshing and swishing and huffing
and puffing. Everyone except Freedom,
that is. He saw the look of
amazement on Sasha’s face.
“I do yoga with my Mom. I have excellent breath control,” he confessed.
“You must be good.
Yoga looks hard,” said Sasha.
Freedom snapped his fingers, “It’s a cinch. I can show you some at recess.”
Matilda was beginning to worry about when they would be able
to do crafts. No one seemed to
even know that rainy day crafts were supposed to happen. But Matilda loved doing yoga, so she
had that to look forward to doing that at recess.
Mrs. Bixby looked at all the pink-cheeked faces of her
students to see if everyone had caught their breath before she continued. She picked up her reader and cleared
her throat before resuming reading what happened next. All her students leaned forward, eager to
find out when the Pilgrims would meet the Indians.
“How would everyone like to try out being Pilgrims and
Indians?” Mrs. Bixby asked. Of
course, everyone raised their hands.
“I want to be an Indian!” shouted someone. “I’m a Pilgrim!” shouted someone else.
“Okay, okay!
Let’s settle down. This is
going to be your individual group activity. Each table gets to decide who’s going to be a Pilgrim or an
Indian,” said Mrs. Bixby.
Matilda leaned over and whispered to Jason Warner, “Why do
we have to choose?”
Freedom heard Matilda and piped up, “Of course you have to
choose. You can’t be both.”
“Why not?” asked Sasha.
Freedom threw his hands in the air in exasperation and
looked to Jason Warner for support.
“Yeah, why not?” asked Jason Warner.
Freedom sighed heavily, “And I thought you were the voice of
reason around here.”
“Haven’t you been paying attention to chapter three? The Pilgrims would have died if they
didn’t open themselves up to new ideas.
The Indians taught them new things that were different from how they
were used to doing them,” said Matilda.
“We could learn a lot from their example,” agreed Sasha.
“But we have to tell Mrs. Bixby who we are when she gets to
our table!” Freedom countered.
“Pilgrindians.”
Jason Warner looked particularly pleased with himself when the other
three turned to look at him, “We’ll tell her that we’re Pilgrindians.”
“I don’t know.
I’m just not feeling it,” Freedom said.
“I have an idea.”
Sasha looked over at Matilda’s crayons. “Freedom will feel like a Pilgrindian if he looks like a
Pilgrindian. All we need is to
change outlook.”
Jason Warner saw what Sasha was looking at and could guess
what she was thinking.
“We need some hats,” Jason Warner winked at Matilda, “That
way, we get to do crafts and get our work done!”
Matilda smiled at her friends and opened her box of
crayons. “It’s no secret. I love crafts,” she passed out colors
to her friends.
Even Freedom couldn’t resist the idea of doing crafts. He accepted his favorite green crayon
and a piece of paper but for Freedom, the fun stopped there. Sasha noticed something was wrong.
“Why aren’t you coloring, Freedom?” she asked.
“I don’t know what I’m making. I don’t know what a Pilgrindian hat looks like.”
“Pilgrims have those black hats with a buckle on it. I’m putting a big buckle on mine. Who’s got the gold crayon?” Matilda
looked around for the color she needed.
“Don’t forget feathers,” said Jason Warner who was too busy
coloring in an array of feathers to look up from his work.
“Do you think Pilgrindians would have bugs in their hats?”
Freedom asked cautiously.
“OOOooohh! I’m
going to have a bug, too!” said Matilda.
“Me, too,” said Sasha.
Freedom was encouraged and went to work on his Pilgrindian
hat. Soon they were all hard at
work.
Jason Warner opened his desk and produced his pocket
stapler. He was done drawing his
hat and he stapled it into a circle so it would fit on his head. In true Pilgrindian spirit, he shared
his stapler with the others so they could wear their hats as well.
Once the hats were assembled they all put theirs on. Freedom had the most excellent spiders
and bugs dancing around his hat.
Sasha was very creative in her use of rainbow colors. Jason Warner got the ruffley edges of
feathers down but that was expected given his meticulous attention to
detail. Matilda had the best
buckle but she made sure to share the gold crayon with her Pilgrindian compatriots.
They put their hats on and looked around at each other. “Gosh,” said Freedom, “I hope mine
looks as good as yours, Sasha.”
“You definitely inspired me to put bugs on my hat, but I
don’t know if they’re as good as yours,” she said.
“Matilda has the best buckle,” said Jason Warner.
“You have the best feathers,” said Matilda, “But face it, we
all look good!”
No one said so, but they all smiled big smiles. She was right, of course. They did look good.
The group of kids at the next cluster of desks was staring
with their mouths hanging open in disbelief. Kylie Garnet leaned across the aisle and hissed, “What do
you think you’re doing?”
The gang just looked at each other, not sure what to say
when Jason Warner piped up, “Strategizing.” Although a man of few words, Jason Warner always seemed to
use the right ones.
“Don’t be stupid.” Kylie shot back, “You guys are just
showing off because you have the new girl at your desk.”
Maybe it was the tone of Kylie’s voice. Maybe it was the fact that she called
them stupid. Maybe it was the
hats. But the back corner of the
room suddenly had Mrs. Bixby’s attention and she made a bee-line for the hot
zone of her first grade classroom.
“What’s going on here, guys?” she asked.
Kylie Garnett pointed her pointiest finger at them and
yelled, “They’re strategizing!”
Mrs. Bixby looked at Matilda, Freedom, Jason Warner and
Sasha and waited for an explanation.
Wisely, they all looked to Jason Warner to be their spokes person. Jason Warner cleared his throat and
stood up.
Mrs. Bixby could tell that what Jason had to say was
important. He usually kept his remarks
brief but when he had something important to say, it was always well thought
out. Clearing his throat was a
dead give away that this was about to be one of those moments.
“Mrs. Bixby, our assignment was to choose roles for the rest
of the day. After careful
consideration of the facts you presented, we realized that there were good
elements from each group. The
Pilgrims showed courage with their determination to leave home to make a new
life in a place they knew nothing about.
The Indians showed kindness and generosity in the way they took time to
care for the Pilgrims, teaching them techniques that enabled them to survive in
this new land. How do you choose,
courage or kindness?”
Freedom stood up by his desk, “So we decided to be both.”
“We’re Pilgrindians,” said Matilda and she stood up.
“And we got to do rainy day crafts,” added Sasha as she
stood by her new friends.
Rainy day crafts!
Mrs. Bixby totally forgot.
The kids love to do crafts on days when it rains and she didn’t have
anything planned. And what was she
going to do about this Pilgrindian idea?
“I want to be a Pilgrindian, too,” came the first
voice.
“Me, too!” came the second and the third. Soon, the whole class was raising their
hands, volunteering to be Pilgrindians.
Mrs. Bixby was a good teacher and she could think fast. Jason Warner asked an important
question. How could she choose
which was more important, courage or kindness?
“Jason Warner has made an excellent point,” she said. “Both courage and kindness are important. Today, we’re going all going to be
Pilgrindians.”
Everyone cheered.
“I think it’s time for rainy day crafts and our craft for
today is going to be…Pilgrindian Hats!” she announced and everyone got busy
making their Pilgrindian hats.
Everyone except Matilda, Freedom, Jason Warner and Sasha,
who all had Pilgrindian hats already.
They looked around at everyone having fun and looked back at each other.
Kylie Garnett leaned over and smiled, “um, I like your bugs,
Freedom.”
“Want me to help you put bugs on your Pilgrindian hat?” he
asked.
She nodded and Freedom got his four scariest colored crayons
out and he looked as Sasha, “Your bugs are really excellent. Want to help give people bugs?”
“Sure!” said Sasha.
She followed Freedom over to Kylie’s desk and they were soon hard at
work.
Jason Warner got another piece of paper out. Matilda looked at him with curiosity,
“What are you doing? You already
have a great Pilgrindian hat.”
He didn’t even look up from his new masterpiece. He simply said, “George Foreman No
Relation.”
Matilda recognized this was a good idea. George Foreman No Relation might have
moved away but he was still their friend and he deserved a Pilgrindian
hat. This reminded her that
someone else would need a Pilgrindian hat. She got out a fresh piece of paper and went to work on a
Pilgrindian hat for someone very special.
Mrs. Bixby looked around her classroom at everyone working
hard but she noticed that the Pilgrindian spirit had definitely taken over her
students. They were all
encouraging each other and helping each other out.
Mrs. Bixby felt inspired and decided she needed a
Pilgrindian hat of her own. She
got out a piece of paper but realized she didn’t have any crayons. She looked at her choices and saw she
had a red pen, a blue pen and a black pen – and nothing else. Jose Garcia saw his teacher staring at
her piece of paper and looking a little sad.
“Want to share my crayons, Mrs. Bixby?” he asked.
“Thank you, Jose.
Yes, I would.” And she scrunched into a chair beside him and settled
down to work on her hat.
When they were done, Mrs. Bixby’s first grade class put on
their Pilgrindian hats. For the
rest of the day, everyone was very Pilgrindian. Students who were good at math helped students who weren’t
so good at math. Students who
weren’t so good at math accepted the help, because they knew they would get a
chance to help in some other way even if it wasn’t going to be today.
The day flew by and before she knew it, Matilda was climbing
into her Mom’s van and it wasn’t raining any more.
“How was your day, sweetie?” Mom asked.
“Mom, it was really awesome. I’m a Pilgrindian.”
“A Pilgrindian, what’s that?” Mom asked.
“It’s complicated, Mom, but I can tell you this. Being a Pilgrindian is an important
part of my life.”
There was no time to explain. Mom was pulling up to Lance’s preschool. Lance’s teacher was standing out front,
holding Lance by the hand. Once
Lance was buckled into his seat they were on their way again.
Mom asked Lance, “How was your day, sweetie?”
Lance folded his arms across his chest in a huff. “We didn’t get to do rainy day crafts.”
Matilda reached into her book bag and pulled out her
Pilgrindian hat for someone special.
Her someone special was her brother Lance.
“Lance, I made this for you today. So you can be a Pilgrindian like me.”
On the way home she explained what a Pilgrindian is and when
they got inside, Lance and Matilda made Pilgrindian hats for Mom and Dad. Everyone wore their hats through dinner
and Lance and Matilda even helped clear the table when dinner was done.
Lance put his dish in the dishwasher, “Matilda, let me put
your dish in here. I want to
help.”
Matilda gave him her dirty plate, “Thanks, Lance.”
“I really like my hat.
I like being a Pilgrindian.”
“Me, too,” said Matilda. She smiled remembering how happy she was when she discovered
today was going to be a rainy day.
She sang her rainy day crafts song as she got ready for bed.
Once she was snuggled down under the covers, Matilda
shivered until her feet warmed up.
“I wonder what tomorrow will be like,” she thought as she
drifted off to sleep.
The End.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
More to Stand Up Than Jokes and Laughter
There’s so more that goes into doing stand up than just
writing some jokes that trigger laughter in dark clubs that require a two drink
minimum. I’m sure it won’t come as any
surprise to say that it also takes a measure of courage to stand in front of a
group of people and talk. But it takes
real guts to expose your fears, vulnerabilities and all the goofy things that
make you, you.
Going to class every week, I had the rare privilege of
watching other people in the class evolve. I found myself wondering what it would be like
to run a school like this. I saw that my
teacher juggle multiple roles: part Sherpa, part parent, part therapist,
full-time comic and sometimes drinking buddy.
Class was like the Our Gang clubhouse where “girlz” were allowed. The studio was a place where people aired out
their lives in complete safety. For
some, what started out as a bucket list item became the flicker of a new career
dream. For others, it was the “me” time
they needed away from family and work demands. Most of us discovered new friendships
that were instantly and deeply important. What about the school teacher/grandmother who
is raising her grandkids? She found a
place to be blue and we laughed until we cried.
It was safe and wild at the same time.
We dug around in our lives for something to joke about and confessed all
the unfunny things that were happening to us in the days between class because
we knew that’s where the comedy gold was.
Almost everyone struck a vein worth mining.
Despite our differences, we found each other’s stories
compelling and relatable. There’s the
girl who smokes a little too much pot and has a boyfriend no one particularly
trusts or likes. Hard to resist her reaction
-- No one else has to fuck him, so why should you care? She’s right… unless he breaks her heart and
she winds up sofa surfing until she gets her feet back under her. Perhaps the most profound event was also the
most heartbreaking and brave. One
comedian lost his dad quite unexpectedly and he managed to share the story of
pulling the plug as one of the most honest, real and funny things any of us
ever heard. Everyone who heard him felt what he was saying. It
was, indeed, a privilege.
People survive divorce.
People survive cancer. People
survive, but not without wounds that get broken wide open when they decide to
stand up and joke about it. Should you try
your hand at comedy? If you aren’t
willing to be truthful about who you are and accept that you are an average
fucking snowflake that’s unique just like all the other fucking snowflakes out there,
then no. You don’t have the guts.
But I double dog dare you to give it a try.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Laura Does The Comedy Store
So, I did this last Wednesday -- first stand up ever and I did it at the Comedy Store. It was fun. You should try it.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Did You Know... it was National Margarita day today?
I found out it was National Margarita day today. If I had been alerted, oh say... a couple days ago when I had time to think, I might have enjoyed a frosty cold one after work today. Instead I dragged my ass home through Los Angeles traffic to discover the news. Damn. There should be an emergency alert in place for events like this.
If only Margaritas were delivered by trucks that play music and go slow so as not to kill children and drunks.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
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